Posted by banson on August 8th, 2009 |
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Thursday night I went to a midnight advance screening of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Previews for the movie gave me the feeling that the movie would be lack luster, so I didn’t have high hopes for the movie. Unfortunately I wasn’t disappointed. The plot revolves around a terrorist organization getting their hands on newly developed nanobot technology and using it to hold the world hostage. On the surface it wasn’t a bad idea, but when Cobra hits the scene I was quickly taken out of the movie. Cobra has some sort of pulse weapon in their employ that obliterates everything in their path. They have them equipped on their aircraft, their troops carry rifles and pistols of these weapons, and they are untouchable. Every time I saw someone shoot their weapon I kept thinking, “Why is Cobra messing around with this nanobot plot when they already have weapons that far outclass everyone else? They could easily launch an attack to show their power and have countries cowering to them.” I thought that this flattened the danger in the movie. When Cobra seems to be able to dominate from the first few minute of the movie, them getting a hold of the nanotech is nearly on the same level. If you have a TV then you’ve seen the preview where The Eiffel Tower gets knocked over. That was the big spot for Cobra. That was to be the point that gets nations to bow to them. They could have done that with the weapons that they already have without even trying. Instead of having a rising threat to up the stakes and pull you in more, I thought that it flat-lined and you stay at the same level.
I heard long ago Duke and The Baroness have a romantic history in this movie, so I hope I’m not spoiling that for anyone. I thought that this was a poor choice. It’s unnecessary and was a distraction from the movie more than anything else. With the wealth of characters at their disposal they didn’t need to force a lame romance angle that doesn’t really fit. This was only made worse at the end of the movie when its revealed that The Baroness was forced to evil against her will and now makes a 180 turn to the side of good. Ho-Hum Boring. Its lame writing. I know that there are debates about how faithful you need to stay to source material when you’re doing an adaptation, but this one was one instance when they shouldn’t have deviated from the script. The Baroness should of simply been a mean bitch. Instead of neutering her in the end, keep her the strong villain that she should be. She’s a mean girl.

Now having said that I need to get into a little more of the geekery. Some of the production design really disappointed me. Aside from Snake-Eyes all of the Joes wear the same plain old fatigues. Now before you say anything remember, G.I. Joe is a special ops unit. They are not the army. They are not the marines. They don’t need to have the exact same uniforms, they can do their own thing. Looking at the comic books and cartoons you have all of these colorful characters with their own thing to set them apart form everyone else. By taking that entirely out of the movie, I thought that they took out a lot of the character of, well, the characters. That leads me into those Delta-6 shoots that have been overly hyped in the previews. I was mad to think that these suites would be the main equipment of the Joes, which would have eliminated any need for a group of elite specialists. Fortunately they were only used in one scene for a chase sequence. And while they were kind of fun to watch, they didn’t actually do anything. Snake-Eyes, who was not wearing an exo-suit, stayed with and took down the bad guys’ vehicle by himself. The Delta-6 suites were in it for no reason. And when Cobra Commander is finally revealed, barf. They modeled his costume from an awful version of the action figure that came later in the toy line.
The ending is anti-climatic. Costume aside, I like how they handled the reveal of Cobra Commander in the movie. When he finally stands revealed its a moment that was a good way to show the audience that this was only the beginning of the story. And just when he has a moment, Wha Wha Wha, its taken away as he’s facing a wall of Joe subs and quickly finds himself imprisoned. They still hint that there’s more to come, but I thought that they killed a lot of the momentum that they could of had.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is kind of fun to watch because of the special effects, the little nods to its history, and some humor, but it is a pretty stupid movie.
Oh, and Scarlett would have totally kicked The Baroness’s ass.
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